Evolving Perspectives

It is a cliché, but becoming a parent has definitely changed my perspective on many aspects of life. The many challenges you face raising irrational tempermental children, coupled with having a type A personality creates a sense of constant angst that needs to be reigned in. My desire for control has certainly been moderated.  Honestly, who can argue with a 3 year old’s hysterical tantrums?

This need for control has also been tempered by going through the whole ASD diagnosis. There is so little I can control and so every time we have a problem a little more sorted we await the next challenge to present itself. One the other hand though, I feel that I have become a much more empathic person and see the world in many more shades of grey than I used to. This in turn I hope has made me more compassionate in my professional life.

Not long ago, I had a young adult patient who was severely intellectually handicapped requiring a general anaesthetic for a surgical procedure. He had been an emergency add on case so had been brought into the pre- anaesthetic bay in somewhat of a hurry. I distinctly remember seeing a young man with ruffled unwieldly hair, curled up in his sterile hospital bed looking confused and anxiously gripping two square pieces of duplo. His mother came in close behind him. She must have been in her sixties and was dressed in black slacks and a plain jersey top covered by a white short sleeve hospital gown. Her hair was pulled into a loose bun and she was gripping a black handbag with both hands. She looked absolutely exhausted and once the hospital trolley was parked she rushed to her son’s side to hold his hand.

After some brief introductions she explained to me that her son was mostly bed bound, he could respond to her commands, and could understand most things but was not verbal and sometimes if frustrated could be quite violent. She was at lengths to explain how he needed turning often so as to avoid pressure sores, however when doing so you had to explain to him what you were about to do. It soon transpired that she and her elderly husband were the primary carers for him and she had had little respite in the past 20 years. I asked her what things would calm her son down if anxious and she said it was generally her presence and holding onto his precious pieces of duplo.

During our conversation, I found myself completely overcome with an overwhelming sense of sadness for her and her family. Although it was nothing that I had experienced, her daily struggles as a mother felt so tangible to me. I could imagine that her day revolved around taking care of him and worrying about his future especially now she was growing older. I started to talk to her son and gently explained the process of what was about to happen. I could see him grip his duplo tighter, and told him his mum would be in with him until he went to sleep and he seemed to relax a little. The relief of mum’s face when I told her she could be with her son until he fell asleep was palpable. I watched this devoted and dedicated woman stroke her son’s hand whilst I put a cannula into him and then comfort him as he drifted off to sleep.

I promised her as she was escorted out the operating room that I would be with her son the entire operation and that I would take care of him. I felt so privileged that she had entrusted me with her precious and extremely loved son. I made her promise to go and have a coffee, lunch and have a break whilst the operation was underway. She seemed so grateful to be given permission to provide herself with some basic self-care that I almost cried in front of her. I wondered, who looks after her? Did she have anyone who made sure that she was ok?  Who will love her son in the selfless way she does if anything happens to her or her husband?

It was one of many experiences that have made me so conscious of my own situation and thankful/grateful for all that I have. At that moment, I made a promise to myself to always try and remember this feeling, particularly when dealing with difficult patients and their families.