One of my
dearest friends has recently had her first baby. It is such an exciting yet
exhausting time but unfortunately, as we live in different states it has been
really hard to be connected to her in this new journey. I have two other very
close friends who are also going to be first time mums soon, both of whom live
far away. I have been thinking about the early days with my eldest, and
reflecting on how difficult and emotionally draining it was especially in comparison to
the second time around when I at least had some clue what to expect. So,
with this in mind I thought I would write them a letter.
To my
dear and special friends,
Wow! You
have entered that ‘magical’ realm that is motherhood – I call it serene anarchy!
Congratulations! I am sad that I can’t be right by your side as you navigate
these early days so I wanted to write you a letter with some thoughts. Before
you worry that I am writing an essay spouting unwanted advice, I just want to say
that this is hopefully not going to be that. These are just some of my random
musings about little things I wish someone had told me before I had J.
Admittedly it still probably would not have made much difference to the way
that I struggled but they are things that may have made me giggle or given me a
slightly different perspective on things.
1 1. Your primary job in the first few
weeks of your baby’s birth is to stay alive and keep bubby alive. If you have
done that, then you are winning on all fronts. If you stay in your pyjamas for
more than 24 hours, IT IS OK!
2. No matter how many times you are told ‘this too will pass,’ it still feels like forever. Its ok to have moments where you hate what your life has become.
3. Breastfeeding for many of us is bloody painful and not that natural. It took me weeks to get used to it and not want to swear black and blue each time he latched. It did get easier and I have to say it wasn’t so bad the second time round. In the same vein, it really matters little whether you breast or bottle feed. A fed baby is a good baby.
4. Many men, (I have surveyed other women on their view on this) have some strange inbuilt ability to not hear crying when they are sleeping. The number of times hubby said to me in the morning ‘ Oh baby had a good night didn’t he? Didn’t hear him wake….. ‘ I won’t tell you what my response was especially when I had been up several times in one night . Needless to say he learnt quickly just to ask how my night was and not make any assumptions.
5. You will feel guilty. You will feel guilty no matter what you do. You feel guilty if you don’t do it and you feel guilty if you do it. You will feel guilty if you don’t feel guilty. Just learn to live with it, accept it and embrace it. It never stops.
6. For every intervention that has evidence it is good for your baby there will be equal evidence that it is harmful for your baby. Just depends on what source you take it from. So, take whatever advice sits well with you and ignore the rest.
7. Even if you are a very socially connected individual there will be times you feel extremely isolated and lonely. Walking your local streets with bub in pram / carrier or having a coffee at a café regularly can help, and it certainly gave me some respite from the loneliness.
8. Admission to sleep school does not mean you are a failing parent. There seems to be so much stigma attached with needing extra help and guidance. I struggled through the first 6 months with J trying to find my feet with the whole sleep routine. Eventually with a combination of trial and error and also internet sleep advice it sorted itself out. With my second baby though, I knew I was going back to work early and just wanted some support. I spoke to my GP and booked myself into sleep school when S was 6 weeks old. It was fabulous and gave me the confidence to stick to a few techniques which helped all of us get some form of a routine.
9. If you are a slightly older mum, have a type A personality and a little bit on the OCD side (which sums me up pretty well) then expect the road to be rocky. I am used to working hard but I also expect to get results if I follow all the rules and appropriate directions. Seems obvious now, but at the time I found it hard to accept that my babies wouldn’t do as book A, B or C said they would even after I carefully and diligently followed instructions!
10. Each day, take a moment to reflect on the amazing creature that is your baby. Sometimes a little conscious mindfulness can really make the difference to your day. I have fond memories of both my bubs cackling and giggling at me with no care in the world whilst I blew raspberries on their tummies.
2. No matter how many times you are told ‘this too will pass,’ it still feels like forever. Its ok to have moments where you hate what your life has become.
3. Breastfeeding for many of us is bloody painful and not that natural. It took me weeks to get used to it and not want to swear black and blue each time he latched. It did get easier and I have to say it wasn’t so bad the second time round. In the same vein, it really matters little whether you breast or bottle feed. A fed baby is a good baby.
4. Many men, (I have surveyed other women on their view on this) have some strange inbuilt ability to not hear crying when they are sleeping. The number of times hubby said to me in the morning ‘ Oh baby had a good night didn’t he? Didn’t hear him wake….. ‘ I won’t tell you what my response was especially when I had been up several times in one night . Needless to say he learnt quickly just to ask how my night was and not make any assumptions.
5. You will feel guilty. You will feel guilty no matter what you do. You feel guilty if you don’t do it and you feel guilty if you do it. You will feel guilty if you don’t feel guilty. Just learn to live with it, accept it and embrace it. It never stops.
6. For every intervention that has evidence it is good for your baby there will be equal evidence that it is harmful for your baby. Just depends on what source you take it from. So, take whatever advice sits well with you and ignore the rest.
7. Even if you are a very socially connected individual there will be times you feel extremely isolated and lonely. Walking your local streets with bub in pram / carrier or having a coffee at a café regularly can help, and it certainly gave me some respite from the loneliness.
8. Admission to sleep school does not mean you are a failing parent. There seems to be so much stigma attached with needing extra help and guidance. I struggled through the first 6 months with J trying to find my feet with the whole sleep routine. Eventually with a combination of trial and error and also internet sleep advice it sorted itself out. With my second baby though, I knew I was going back to work early and just wanted some support. I spoke to my GP and booked myself into sleep school when S was 6 weeks old. It was fabulous and gave me the confidence to stick to a few techniques which helped all of us get some form of a routine.
9. If you are a slightly older mum, have a type A personality and a little bit on the OCD side (which sums me up pretty well) then expect the road to be rocky. I am used to working hard but I also expect to get results if I follow all the rules and appropriate directions. Seems obvious now, but at the time I found it hard to accept that my babies wouldn’t do as book A, B or C said they would even after I carefully and diligently followed instructions!
10. Each day, take a moment to reflect on the amazing creature that is your baby. Sometimes a little conscious mindfulness can really make the difference to your day. I have fond memories of both my bubs cackling and giggling at me with no care in the world whilst I blew raspberries on their tummies.
Finally, good luck
my dear friends. Although I can’t physically be there with you I am always only
a phone call away if you need a listening ear or a virtual hug. Thank you to you also for
being with me and for all your patience whilst I navigated my early
days.
Xxx S
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